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NFL Mash Ups: NFC North Personas

Sunday, September 7th, 2014

by WingFan

Wingfan

 

 

 

Teams have personality. Between the owner, the coach, the players, and the fans, a team develops certain behaviors. As we approach the official beginning of the NFL season, WingFan would like to welcome you to opening day of the NFL season by walking you through each NFC North team and our assessment of their persona. Let’s take a look at what each team brings to the table:

 Team:  Green Bay Packers

Persona:  Jack Nicholson 

Jack Nicholson as Col. Nathan Jessup

Jack Nicholson as Col. Nathan Jessup

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You want an answer?   You want the truth?  The Green Bay Packers are the truth – but “you can’t handle the truth!”  The Green Bay Packers are one of the few teams, if not the only team, to have success over a multitude of decades dating back to the 1920’s.  Jack Nicholson is one of only two actors to be nominated for Academy Awards in every decade from the 1960’s to the 2000’s.  The Packers were founded in 1919, their team name is the oldest team name still in use by the NFL, and their 13 league championships (9 NFL and 4 Super Bowls) are the most in NFL history.  Nicholson has amassed 16 major acting awards including 3 Academy Awards, 6 Golden Globes, and a Screen Actors Guild Award.   In short, Colonel Nathan R. Jessup of the US Marine Corp isn’t as decorated as this pair of legends.

The Lombardi Trophy

The Lombardi Trophy

While Col. Nathan Jessup was looking for A Few Good Men, Vince Lombardi, the legendary head coach of the 1960’s Packers team, actually found a few great men.  He led them to five championships in one decade including 3 NFL Championships (’61, ’62, ’65) and the very first two Super Bowls (1966 & 1967) ever.  The shiny silver Super Bowl trophy that everyone hoists in the air after they win is actually called “The Lombardi Trophy” in honor of the late great Vince Lombardi.  Jack Nicholson does not have a shiny trophy named in his honor, but he does have a pair of Lakers courtside season tickets that might be considered by some to be just as prestigious.

Vince Lombardi

Vince Lombardi

There’s so much about the Packers and Nicholson that can’t be overlooked.  The Packers have a “get it done” spirit and great leadership from legends like Bart Starr, Paul Hornung, Willie Davis, Ray Nitschke, Brett Farve, Reggie White, and Aaron Rodgers.  The city shuts down on game day like the box office shuts down when Nicholson played the Joker in Batman.  Packers are actually the only team in American sports that is owned by its fans – it’s a public company with over 100,000 shareholders and managed by a Board of Directors.  No person can own more than 200,000 shares which ensures that the team can never be moved from the small city of Green Bay, Wisconsin.  In a league where all other teams represent cities whose average population is closer to one million, leaving a team in a city with 104,057 people might sound like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest but in reality, the Green Bay Packers are As Good As It Gets.

Team Name:  Chicago Bears

Persona:  Sean Connery

Sean Connery

Sean Connery

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bring out the bagpipes, turn the river green, and grab your finest Scotch.  Sean Connery has been polled as the “Greatest Living Scot” and Chicago is a city with a great Scottish history.   While the Chicago Bears franchise is older than Sean Connery, their ages aren’t off by much – the Bears were established in 1920 and Connery was born in 1930.  Before diving further into the career of Connery and the success of the Chicago Bears, these two were paired together because they were originators in their field and kept their “sexy” through the years.  Americans have kind of minimized the idea of winning NFL Championships before the Super Bowl era, but the Chicago Bears won eight titles and then won a Super Bowl title in 1985 – that’s nearly a decade of championship performances.

Sean Connery as James Bond

Sean Connery as James Bond

Sean Connery’s signature role was as one of the first theatrical action heroes – James Bond (007).

Bond was an innovative character whose physical stature was no match for bad guys and whose intellect seemed to get him out of bad situations.  The 1940 Chicago Bears innovated the quarterback position by drafting a guy from Columbia University named Sid Luckman. He was athletic enough to cause defenses to overreact and made quick enough decisions to capitalize on the defenses’ mistakes.  Bond always kept a new invention up his sleeve for sticky situations, while the Bears invented the “T Formation”, which lined up three running backs in the back field, standing shoulder to shoulder.  These inventions were part of the reason 007 and the Chicago Bears became such exciting personas to follow.

The 1985 Bears

The 1985 Bears

In 1985, after the early years were long gone, the Bears invented a brand new dance called the Super Bowl Shuffle.  They won the big game and were led by arguably the greatest defense of all-time.  That defense was like a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen with so many outstanding players: Richard Dent, William Perry and, of course, Mike Singletary.  After the Bond films were long gone for Sean Connery, he went on to lead one of the greatest careers in Hollywood history – The Untouchables, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, The Medicine Man, Rising Sun, and of course, The Hunt for Red October.  The Bears and Connery have aged well.  At the ripe age of 69, People Magazine named Connery “Sexiest Man of the Century.”  This year, the Bears are considered a sexy pick to make it to the Super Bowl.  The question is, will this year be the year they are named “Sexiest team in the NFL.”

Team:  Detroit Lions

Persona:  Chris Brown

Chris Brown

Chris Brown

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The City of Motown deserves a talented performer and Chris Brown has all the talent in the world, but the reason these two were paired together has more to do with their attitude than their talent.  The Lions are a very talented team that run, pass, and catch with some of the best in the league.  Detroit is also one of the oldest franchises in the NFL, being founded in 1929, and having won four NFL championships prior to the Super Bowl era (’35, ’52, ’53, ’57).  Like many other teams in the NFL, they have never won a Super Bowl and seem desperate for attention just like a young up-and-coming performer.  To his credit, Chris Brown did earn himself a Grammy and three AMAs but you’d never know it by the way he carries himself – the Lions kind of act that same way about their league championships.

Barry Sanders

Barry Sanders

When you talk about talent, there are only two Detroit players that you need to know:  Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson.  These two players represent the kind of talent Chris Brown brings to the stage in “Kiss Kiss”, “Look at Me Now”, and “Forever”.  Barry Sanders is a retired Hall of Fame running back that redefined “fancy footwork” and became one of the greatest running backs to ever play the game.  His ability to change directions was like no other before him.  Some years, Barry would carry the team to the playoffs almost singlehandedly just as Chris can almost carry an entire performance with his dancing alone.  Chris can also make his voice soar as high as Calvin Johnson leaping for a pass in the end zone.  Calvin and Barry are two of the greatest talents the NFL will ever know, and they have both been trapped in Detroit lacking support like Diana Ross with no Supremes, Lionel Ritchie with no Commodores, and Gladys Knight with no Pips.

Ndamukong Suh stomping a defenseless opponent

Ndamukong Suh stomping a defenseless opponent

In the NFL, the team with the worst record in the previous year gets to have the first pick in the next year’s draft and the Lions have had 8 top ten picks (they finished the previous season with one of the ten worst records).  The tragedy of having talent is wasting it on top 10 picks like Charles Rodgers, Roy Williams, Mike Williams, and even Andre Ware.  What’s worse is that the Lions and Chris Brown just can’t seem to control themselves and stay out of trouble.  The Lions are habitually one of the most penalized teams in the NFL and Chris Brown can’t even make it through Good Morning America without letting a chair or two fly through the window.  Ndamukong Suh, the second overall pick in the 2010 NFL Draft and the Lions’ defensive leader, has been known for drawing penalties for his lack of control: hitting quarterbacks late, kicking players in the privates, and stomping on the heads of his opponents.  Most of us have the ability to look past one outburst by a celebrity (even if it’s Rihanna bad) but consistent outbursts of rage make us all wonder who, or what, raised you?   Yup, the Lions are just like Chris Brown, they think they are relevant but haven’t really done anything memorable yet.

Team: Minnesota Vikings

Persona: Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Vikings are the team most likely to look at their opponent and say, “Go ahead, make my day”.  The Vikings of the late 1960s/early 1970s were led by a legendary defensive line called “The Purple People Eaters”.  This era was like the spaghetti western days of the NFL except there were fields of “frozen tundra” instead of the wild west ( – tumble weeds and all.  Tackling an opponent evolved a lot during this era, where hard hitting defenses treated game day like it was high noon and you were about  to see The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

In those days, the NFL was more beast than beauty and defensive players had nicknames that sounded like Dirty Harry – they were some of the biggest stars.  Alan Page, Hall of Fame Defensive End and leader of the People Eaters, became the first defensive player to be voted Most Valuable Player of the Year in league history.  It was during this era that the Vikings won an NFL Championship in 1969 (pre-Super Bowl era), while establishing an enduring definition of “tough guy,” and subsequently losing all four of their Super Bowl appearances.

Adrian Peterson

Adrian Peterson

Being a Vikings fan is like having a Million Dollar Baby – heart breaking at times.  Currently, the Vikings are cursed with a supremely talented running back named Adrian Peterson.  He’s the most popular guy from Minnesota since Prince and the guy is making miracles happen every season.  For instance, Peterson tore his ACL in 2011, he then comes back from surgery in 3 months (takes most guys a whole year) and goes on to nearly break the NFL Single Season Rushing Record, ending up with 2097 yards – just 8 yards short of Erik Dickerson’s 2105 yards.  Peterson’s been sitting next to an empty chair for 8 seasons wondering if a quarterback will ever fill the seat.  This year the Vikings brought in veteran quarterback Matt Cassel to compete with rookie draft pick Teddy Bridgewater for the role of starting quarterback. Maybe one of these two can start directing the offenses as good as Eastwood directs the cameras.

 

WingFan, for War Room Sports

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NFL Preseason Mash Ups: AFC North Personas

Tuesday, August 26th, 2014

by WingFan

Wingfan

 

 

 

 

Teams have personality. Between the owner, the coach, the players, and the fans, a team develops certain behaviors. As we approach the official beginning of the NFL season, WingFan would like to continue the countdown to kickoff by walking you through each AFC North team and our assessment of their persona. Let’s take a look at what each team brings to the table:

Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Persona: Robert DeNiro

DeNiroThere can only be one Godfather and the Pittsburgh Steelers take that title.  They have six Super Bowl wins (’74, ’75, ’78, ’79, ’05, ’07) – the most in NFL history.  The 1970’s Steelers dynasty was nicknamed “The Steel Curtain” and the way they played was brutal, hard-nosed, and downright gangster.  Robert DeNiro is as gangster as they get:  young Vito Corleone in Godfather II, Al Capone in The Untouchables, Jimmy Conway in Goodfellas, Lorenzo in Bronx Tale, and Sam Rothstein in Casino.  The Steelers weren’t just a great team but their defenses are full of legendary athletes who toe the line between genius and psycho – “Mean” Joe Green, Jack Hamm, Jack Lambert, Melvin Blount, Kevin Green, and Jerome Harrison.  DeNiro’s got a psycho side too:  Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver, Max Cady in Cape Fear, and Gil Renard in The Fan.

JL

You can’t become a legendary actor by being a “one trick pony” and DeNiro is more than capable of being versatile.  You can’t become the most decorated team in the Super Bowl era without having a versatile offense either.  The Steelers believe in running with power, passing with grace, and digging down deep when it counts. DeNiro believes in method acting, physically pushing his body’s limits to pull off the role, and digging deep
within himself to find his character’s true being.  Players like Terry Bradshaw, Lynn Swann, Franco Harris, Jerome Bettis, Hines Ward, and Ben Roethlisberger are great Steelers because they do more than one thing.  They are receivers who make blocks down field.  They are quarterbacks that shake off a big hit and throw the winning pass.  They are running backs who run for the touchdown even if they have to make a hole for themselves.

Franco Harris after the "Immaculate Reception".

Franco Harris after the “Immaculate Reception”.

The Steelers have a “miracle” play called the “Immaculate Reception”.  One of the best “miracle” roles DeNiro ever had was as Lenard Lowe in Awakenings.  The late Robin Williams played a doctor in a mental hospital that discovers a “miracle drug” which brings Lenard Lowe back from his catatonic state.  Quarterback Terry Bradshaw made a desperation throw in the closing seconds of a 1972 playoff game against the Oakland Raiders.  The receiver was immediately hit by a defender and the ball popped high up in the air. Just as the ball was falling to the turf to assure a Raiders’ victory, good ole Franco scoops the ball up just before it touches the ground.  The crowd went bananas as Franco raced to the end zone for the game winning touchdown. Roles like Lenard Lowe and plays like the “Immaculate Reception” are the reason that fans fall over themselves whenever the steel curtain calls.

 

Team:  Baltimore Ravens
Persona:  Mike Tyson

MTMike Tyson definitely deserves a place on football’s “The Grid Iron” and Baltimore is an historic iron city that perfectly fits “Iron” Mike.  Iron Mike had a signature way of entering the ring where he never wore a traditional boxing robe; instead he wore a towel shirt. He basically used to cut through the center of a regular white towel so he could fit his head through, and then he draped it over his shoulders.  The Ravens had a signature way of entering their stadium too.  The team captain and inspirational leader, linebacker Ray Lewis, would do a little dance nicknamed the “Squirrel Dance” (see pic below).  Just like a towel shirt, Lewis’ dance was unlike anything you’d ever seen before.

Ray Lewis & The Squirrel Dance

Ray Lewis & The Squirrel Dance

Baltimore won two Super Bowls with that Squirrel Dance, and Mike won multiple championship titles with that towel shirt because these guys are not only ballers – they’re brawlers.  Sometimes the Ravens’ games look like street fights and sometimes the score ends up looking as ugly as Mitch Green after a street fight with Tyson (see pic).  Take the Ravens first Super Bowl victory in 2001, for example, when they pulverized the New York Giants 34-7 – that’s one ugly score!  The Ravens and Tyson also had a mean knockout punch.  While Tyson literally punched his opponents’ lights out, the Ravens turned out the lights in the 2013 Super Bowl in another way.  After the Ravens ran back the 2nd half kickoff to take a dominating 28-6 lead over the 49ers, the Super Dome experienced a power outage and the lights went out for about a half hour.  Commentators used the outage as an opportunity to say that the Ravens just knocked the 49ers lights out.

Mitch Green

Mitch Green

While Ray Lewis and Ed Reed were the defensive leaders known for packing a Tyson-like punch, running back Ray Rice might be the hardest hitting player on the team.  The Ravens star ran into some trouble with his lady when cameras caught him knocking her lights out in a Las Vegas casino (see “The Dark Side” post for details).  Tyson had some trouble with the ladies, too.  Tyson’s issues with domestic disputes with his ex-wife Robin Givens are well documented, and of course, there was that whole beauty pageant episode that sent Tyson to jail for a couple of years.  The seriousness of these issues should not be discounted but Rice’s fiancee still decided to marry him after he knocked her out.  Deciding to marry Rice after such an incident might be as crazy as Robin Givens deciding to marry Tyson in the first place – I guess the NFL’s version of “Iron Mike” found his “Iron wife”.

 

Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Persona:  Charlie Sheen

CSCharlie Sheen’s Hollywood shuffle is kind of like the Bengals Ickey Woods Shuffle – success that eventually turns into a spectacle.  Back in the late ‘80s/early ‘90s Woods was a popular running back who created a touchdown dance called “The Ickey Shuffle.”  After every successful touchdown you could count on Ickey to take the ball and hop a little left and hop a little right – the dance was pretty funny and slightly endearing.  Sheen had a feature role in the movie Wall Street and the Bengals were featured in two Super Bowls. (’82 &’87) but they never won either game.  Ever since then, the Bengals and Sheen have mostly followed up their big time appearances with comedic performances like a bunch of Hot Shots.

Ickey Woods & The Ickey Shuffle

Ickey Woods & The Ickey Shuffle

It’s not that the Bengals don’t have talent, they just seem to underachieve instead of succeed.  In the early 2000’s the team got another chance like Charlie got “Two and a Half Men”.   They picked Heisman Trophy winning, Carson Palmer.  Palmer’s performance in his first couple of seasons was about as impressive as Sheen’s first couple seasons on Two and a Half Men – but then the shuffle showed up.  Sheen’s success brought about an ego that destroyed the show’s chemistry and the Bengals success brought about Chad Ocho Cinco, who basically destroyed the team’s chemistry.  In both cases, the executives didn’t know how to corral the wild personalities so a spectacle ensued.  Sheen, like Ocho Cinco, found other ways to express himself – mostly on YouTube.  Every time Ocho Cinco scored a touchdown, he did the River Dance or acted like Tiger Woods putting the football with a pile-on, it was sophomoric at best.

Tiger Ocho

Tiger Ocho

After a couple of good seasons, the whole show blew up.  The next thing you know, Charlie and Ocho Cinco are on TV with their “goddesses” trying to see who can go broke faster – Ocho Cinco won.  By 2012, the Bengals fired the Ocho show and CBS fired Sheen.  In 2013, TMZ reported that Ocho Cinco was losing approximately $46,000 per month and starting to look desperate.  Here’s the moral of the story kids:  instead of being a respectable team that shows appreciation for the resources given to them, the Bengals seem to go “Charlie Sheen” every year and shuffle their way into obscurity.

 

Team: Cleveland Browns
Persona:  Kathy Griffin

KGSure Kathy’s burnt orange hair matches The Cleveland Browns uniforms perfectly, but their lives on the D-List are what make this combination really click.  While Griffin made the D-List popular, it’s rumored that the Browns were her true inspiration.  The Cleveland Browns have only made the playoffs once in the past twenty years and they have not won a championship in the Super Bowl era.  To their credit and the credit of Kathy, they do have four NFL championships from the 1950’s and early 1960’s.  Those are valid wins, but it’s like Kathy getting a Grammy for her reality show – we’re quietly clapping.

Kathy Griffin worked hard to achieve her D-List status.  Cleveland is the kind of hardworking middle-American city that appreciates effort and no one epitomizes effort like Hall of Fame running back Jim Brown.  At the time of his retirement, Brown had the NFL record for most rushing yards with 12,312 total yards.  Kathy Griffin actually holds the record for most stand-up specials produced for one network (Bravo), with 16 specials. Kathy also speaks out for causes she believes in like Jim.  Jim was very outspoken about Civil Rights in the early 60’s and Kathy goes out of her way to speak out for LGBT-related causes.  She hosts New Year’s Eve with Anderson Cooper, she makes cameos in movies, and she puts out stand-up routines like it’s breakfast – she’s a hard worker and so was Jim Brown.

Manziel & The Money Team

Manziel & The Money Team

The hardworking nature of the Browns is why this year might be a very interesting social experiment in Cleveland.  In this year’s draft, The Browns chose quarterback Johnny “Football” Manziel.  His celebrity preceded him to the NFL.  His college games were ultra exciting.  He’s friends with Justin Bieber (pop icon), Floyd Mayweather (boxing icon), and Tyrese (YouTube Video Ranter).  The question is: Will Manziel’s A-List celebrity status fit-in with the Cleveland D-List persona?  Johnny Football better hope so because unlike “The View” kicking Kathy Griffin off their show, The Browns run this show and they just named Brian Hoyer the starting quarterback.  Looks like Manziel might find it hard to get face time in the near future – except on Tyrese’s next YouTube video.

 

WingFan, for War Room Sports

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NFL Preseason Mash Ups: AFC East Personas

Sunday, August 17th, 2014

by WingFan

Wingfan

 

 

 

 

Team: New England Patriots

Persona: George Clooney

GCIn the entertainment business, one marquee name deserves another.  The New England Patriots have won three Super Bowls in the new millennium and are considered by many to be the league’s most recent dynasty. The Clooney factor is as follows: their quarterback is golden boy Tom Brady, their first lady is Brazilian model Gisele Bundchen, and their head coach is master strategist Bill Belichick. Prior to the 2000s the claim to fame for the Patriots was nearly being shutout (scoreless) in the 1985 Super Bowl by the Chicago Bears.  Before the television show “ER”, Clooney’s claim to fame was his occasional appearance as Booker Brooks on the television show “Roseanne” – a role as line manager at Welman Plastics. Yeah, that’s basically a shutout.  Clooney landed “ER” and the Patriots landed Belichick. Both scenarios produced fertile ground from which success could blossom.

In 2001, “The Danny Ocean” days began.  Both Clooney and the Patriots rattled off a trifecta of blockbuster performances.  The Patriots won the Super Bowl in 2001 and then back-to-back in 2003 & 2004. Clooney did Ocean’s Eleven and then came back with Ocean’s Twelve and Thirteen, leading 10 other all-stars like he was Tom Brady.  After winning three Super Bowls, the Patriots continued their winning ways by taking home eight more AFC East division titles in nine years, producing an undefeated regular season, and appearing in two more Super Bowls – though they lost both.  The Patriots and Clooney played some spy games too.  Clooney took on a controversial role in the suspense thriller Syriana while the Patriots took on a controversial role in “Spy Gate” – an NFL investigation into the Patriots practice of videotaping the opposing defenses’ hand signals and basically telling Tom Brady where to throw the ball next.

They’re cashing-in on the success, having some fun, and dating some models.  Tom picked up Gisele, and George picked up the rest.  Relationships with The Patriots and Clooney can be a risky proposition, as both of them tend to only date for a couple of years before they move on to another teammate.  The tabloids take their shots every now and then, but the Patriots and Clooney do a great job of keeping their private matters private.  Bill Bellichick is not only a master strategist, but he’s also a master at giving up zero information to the public. This talent is passed down to his team like a Jedi force.  Clooney is often found speaking more about his philanthropic work than his private life.  Clooney recently got married to a bombshell in England and the Patriots signed cornerback Darrell Revis, who plans on preventing bombs from shelling New England.  At some point, Gravity might bring them back down to Earth but for now they’re still chilling in the highest stratosphere.

 

Team: New York Jets

Persona: Nicki Minaj

NMHave you ever seen the way Nicki Minaj talks down to Mariah Carey on American Idol?  Me neither…but with a last name like “Minaj”, I would think she’d take a liking to the voluptuous Ms. Mariah.  The thought of a pop rapper talking down to a pop legend success is insane – that’s the NY Jets.  Seriously, Nicki is just starting to figure out what her worth is while Mariah knows exactly what her worth is – it’s measured by Forbes every year.  The Jets won Super Bowl III back in 1969, which does help to make them popular, but they’re no Mariah.  Unfortunately, one Super Bowl and a couple American Music Awards don’t really equal Mariah’s Five Grammy’s or The Patriots 3 Super Bowls!

So why do the Jets and Nicki feel so compelled to mouth off to George Clooney or Jay-Z like they’re Drake?  The simple answer is that trash talk comes with the territory.  Nicki talks big because that’s part of the Hip-Hop culture.  The Jets talk big because that’s part of the NFL’s culture.  For a deeper answer as it pertains to the Jets, you have to start by looking at the ownership and work your way down.  Jets owner, Woody Johnson, is relatively new to the NFL and he wants to own the back page of the NY Post – a space typically reserved for the biggest story of the day in NY sports.  Nicki Minaj wants to own social media like it’s the back page of the NY Post.  The NY Giants are often the subject of the back page headline and Woody wants to change that.  Nicki wants the headlines like Woody Johnson.  Aside from her music, she uses her choice in fashion to accomplish her goal.  Woody uses his choice in hiring to accomplish his goal.  Woody hired a foul-mouthed head coach named Rex Ryan and Nicki acquired some very bright outfits for the red carpet.

Rex Ryan’s dad was Buddy Ryan, former Philadelphia Eagles head coach – a man who encouraged fights among players on his own team.  Early on in Rex’s career with the Jets, he made headlines for his use of four letter words on HBO’s football reality show Hard Knocks.  Nicki made headlines early in her career for lyrics that crossed gender roles.  As they have matured, Nicki and Rex have started to tone down parts of their personality.  Nicki’s wigs aren’t from Crayola anymore and Rex seems like he opens a thesaurus every now and then.  Nonetheless, everyone is still left wondering if their bark is bigger than their bite.  Let’s just wait and see.

Team: Miami Dolphins

Persona: Lindsay Lohan

LLFlorida is not only home to the Miami Dolphins but it’s also home to Disney World – a place that’s great for the kids and a miserable parent trap for the parents.  Lindsay Lohan’s debut Disney film was called The Parent Trap.  A child actress could not ask for a more perfect company to work for than Disney.  The Dolphins could not ask for a more perfect season than their 1972 Super Bowl season.  Everything Disney created around Lohan was a win.  Every game the Dolphins played that year was a win.  In fact, the 1972 Dolphins are the only team in NFL history to win a Super Bowl after finishing the regular season undefeated.

For more than a decade Lohan and the Dolphins stayed in “The Magic Kingdom” – basking in the glow of their perfect worlds.  If Lindsay tried television, Disney made it work.  If she tried music, Disney made it work. The Dolphins drafted a legendary quarterback named Dan Marino and Marino carried the Dolphins like Disney carried Lohan.  If the Dolphins needed a first down, Marino made it work.  If they needed a big play, Marino made it work.  The Dolphins practically forgot about running the ball during Marino’s tenure, and still, Marino made it work.  Eventually, all good things have to come to an end, and so Lohan left Disney and Marino retired.  With NFL records for most passing yards and passing touchdowns in his career, Marino became arguably the greatest passer in the history of the game.

After the Disney era, it was bye-bye Fantasy Land for Lohan and the Dolphins.  Since Marino retired in 1999, the Dolphins have experimented with nineteen different quarterbacks – still searching for their next Cinderella.  We’re not sure how many different substances Lohan’s experimented with over the past decade, but the story is the same – still searching.  A consequence of losing a great quarterback is usually the loss of a team leader. The Dolphins substitute leaders recently came under fire when Jonathan Martin, a second year offensive lineman, quit the team because of unprecedented abuses including bullying and hazing.  Without Disney’s guiding light, Lohan has been arrested and placed in rehabilitation clinics for her substance abuse issues.  One thing is for sure; it’s time for Lohan and the Dolphins to finally grow up and get it together.

 

Team: Buffalo Bills

Persona: Billy Bob Thornton

BBTIt’s hard to argue with a name like Billy Bob in a city like Buffalo, NY.  The Buffalo Bills are as close to a small town team as there is in the NFL and Billy Bob is as close to a small town ego as there is in Hollywood.  Buffalo is still a pure sports city: pure fans that like pure football and appreciate pure sportsmanship.  Billy Bob is an acting purist who has always sought to be the “anti-film” actor, rarely accepting the blockbuster role.  Steering clear of major headlines associated with O.J. Simpson (an iconic member of the 1970’s Buffalo Bills who was the pride of the city until his life fell apart) is testimony to the Bills’ belief in keeping their team as pure as the snow of a Buffalo winter.

Eventually Billy Bob and the Bills found their way into the heat of the spotlight. We’ll call this “The Angelina Era”.  Billy Bob married one of Hollywood’s elite, Angelina Jolie.  The Bills entered their “Angelina Era” in 1991 when they made it to their first Super Bowl, only to lose to the NY Giants in the closing seconds of the game on a missed field goal by the infamous Scott Norwood.  Somehow Billy Bob and the Buffalo Bills are defined by this era despite their disdain for definition. Some of Billy Bob’s biggest acting jobs came while he and Angelina were swapping blood and getting matching tattoos.  Some of the Buffalo Bills best players competed and became legends during their Angelina Era (1991-1995) as they made it to the Super Bowl four straight years. Four consecutive Super Bowls is a unique distinction, both because no other team has ever duplicated the feat, and also because no other team has ever lost four straight times.  The agony of losing four straight Super Bowls could only be matched by the agony of Angelina Jolie divorcing you and marrying someone like Brad Pitt – you’re just never the same after that.

Billy Bob has vowed to never marry again and he hasn’t really been able find another role as pure as Monster’s Ball or as purely comedic as Bad Santa.  The Buffalo Bills lost all of their Hall of Fame talent after the Angelina Era: pure competitors like Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas, Darrell Talley, and Andre Reid (look them up).  There is promise though…Billy Bob is dating a beautiful woman and fathered a daughter while the Buffalo Bills have drafted stand out quarterback EJ Emanuel and top wide receiver Sammy Watkins.  Sometimes it’s not about replacing what you had, it’s about moving on without it.

 

Wingfan, for War Room Sports

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NFL Preseason Mash Ups: NFC East Personas

Thursday, August 7th, 2014

by WingFan

Wingfan

 

 

 

 

Teams have personality.  Between the owner, the coach, the players, and the fans, a team develops certain behaviors.  As we approach the official beginning of the NFL season, WingFan would like to countdown to kickoff by walking you through each team and our assessment of their persona.  Let’s forget about draft picks, free agents, and statistics for a moment and just focus on each division, each team, and each personality.  Imagine Wendy Williams, Jay-Z, Hulk Hogan and Pam Anderson sitting down to dinner together – what a show right?  Well, that’s the NFC East right now.  Let’s take a look at what each team brings to the table:

 

Team: Philadelphia Eagles

Persona: Wendy Williams

WWWith no Super Bowl titles to speak of, the Eagles still manage to have one of the biggest personalities in the league, much like Wendy Williams, who has one of the biggest personalities in entertainment.  No Super Bowl wins doesn’t mean “no championships.”  The Eagles have actually won 3 NFL championships prior to the Super Bowl era.  Wendy Williams has never won an Oscar either, but she was named to the Radio Hall of Fame.  Radio – you know the media that existed before the television era?

The similarities continue.  The ex-shock jock’s most infamous moment was an interview with Whitney Houston where she hammered Houston on questions of drug use; ruthlessly digging into Whitney’s emotional wounds on-air.  Now, would you believe that the Philadelphia Eagles fans hammered Santa Clause with snow balls and booed him at the halftime of a December game in 1968?  Ruthless is, as ruthless does.  Williams actually broadcast her radio shows out of Philly’s own Power 99 FM – a station she helped take from #14 in local ratings to #2 during her time there.  Coincidentally, during the 2000s, former head coach Andy Reid took the Eagles all the way to the Super Bowl where they lost the big game and finished the season as the #2 team in the league.  The key to staying relevant for the Eagles and Williams seems to be their willingness to speak to the public about private matters.  Stories about Terrell Owens, Michael Vick, and Riley Cooper have littered the headlines in Philadelphia for almost a decade.  Williams shared stories on-air about her drug use, her breast implants, and even her miscarriages.

Recent years have been more about transformation for both Williams and the Eagles.  The Eagles are now the slimmed down version of Wendy Williams with the extra long weave.  New head coach, Chip Kelly, gave the Eagles offense a makeover last year, and drafted leaner players who have more speed and endurance than your average NFL athletes.  With the liposuction and new look, the Eagles surprised critics last year by winning the NFC East and making it to the playoffs.  Perhaps, this year, they will follow Wendy’s recent big screen appearances with some big game appearances of their own.

 

Team: Dallas Cowboys

Persona: Hulk Hogan

HHThe Dallas Cowboys are often dubbed “America’s Team” and Hulk Hogan used to enter the ring to a song titled “I am a Real American”.  These two deserve each other.  For decades these two entities have both entertained the American public.  The Cowboys won two Super Bowls in the 70’s and established a dynasty by winning three Super Bowls in the 90’s. Hogan carried professional wrestling from the late 70’s, through the 80’s, and into the late 90’s.  Around 1997, the two entities managed to fly off into obscurity, only to be revived every now and then by reality TV and good marketing.

Hogan made a comeback in the new millennium when he landed a reality show called “Hogan Knows Best”.  Meanwhile, the Cowboys became a featured team on HBO’s new reality show “Hard Knocks.”  The publicity kept them both relevant, even though they were still living in their pasts.  Each received the benefit of the doubt from media outlets, while their fans blindly routed for their success and celebrated their celebrity.  Recently, both have managed to let their status go to to their heads – literally and figuratively – as infidelity and scandal abound.

Hogan’s wife divorced him after she found out the Hulk was sleeping with his daughter’s BFF; while photos recently surfaced of Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, posing provocatively with younger woman.  In the wake of the NFL’s lenient two-game punishment for Ray Rice who hit his wife, Jones’ behavior isn’t exactly the kind of leadership the NFL might want on display.  In the coming weeks, we will see how things turn out for Jerry Jones, but one thing is clear, this is American Beauty.

 

Team: New York Giants                               

Persona: Jay-Z

JZYou might think this mash-up lacks creativity because New York is Jay-Z’s hometown, but that’s more of the icing than the cake.  The Giants are known for not just winning, but winning with a little bit of magic – some would call it luck.  Both the Giants and Jay-Z have legitimate titles on their resume: the Giants’ first Super Bowl win in 1986 was a 39-20 thrashing of the Denver Broncos, and Jay-Z’s debut album, “Reasonable Doubt”, is an undisputed hip-hop classic that most fans only started to appreciate years after it was released.

The Giants second, third, and fourth titles required some magic: a field goal miss from Buffalo’s Scott Norwood, a clutch catch off of David Tyree’s helmet on 4th down, and a perfectly placed Eli Manning pass to Mario Manningham with virtually no time left.  Jay-Z’s career has all of that: becoming one of the only links to Notorious BIG after his untimely passing, becoming the focal point in hip-hop’s “beef” era (an era where artists challenged each other song for song), and of course, becoming Beyonce’s fiancé (and husband) really didn’t hurt.  Some might call these occurrences “luck”.  But if you ask the Giants and Jay-Z, they’d say you “Can’t Knock the Hustle.”

 

Team: Washington Football Team

Persona: Pamela Anderson

PANo…this combination has nothing to do with a sex tape, but, then again, you never know what’s coming out of Washington these days.  With all due respect, the Washington Football Team won three Super Bowls – two in the 80’s and one in the 90’s.  Let’s call these the “Baywatch Days”.  The Washington Football Team were as pretty as Pamela Anderson bouncing down the beach in a little red bathing suit – they were all put together. Things started to change once Pam left Baywatch and the same thing happened in Washington when ownership changed from Jack Kent Cooke to Daniel Snyder.

Celebrity and branding became a larger part of the picture when both Pam and Dan started to tinker with their already established products.  Dan moved the team to the suburbs, while Pam moved from TV to movies.  Then the face lifts and plastic surgery ramped up for Pam and Dan.  Dan brought in celebrity coach after celebrity coach, celebrity athlete after celebrity athlete, and a carousel of quarterbacks that might finally stop with RGIII.  Same thing happened to Pam – her chest got more and more inflated, her face got more and more distorted, and her hair got more and more blonde.

Washington has only been to the playoffs four times in 22 years; and no one has featured Pam Anderson on the silver screen since Barb Wire (appearances aside).  It’s almost comedic. Washington just signed their 8th new head coach since the year 2000 and Robert Griffin (RGIII) is their 15th quarterback in the same time period.  If there were a team that deserved to sit in the hot seat and get roasted like Pam Anderson, it would be the Washington Football Team.  Their current name is a joke in and of itself.

 

UP NEXT:  AFC East Personas

 

WingFan, for War Room Sports

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