There is no better feeling than being in love…or so I have heard. I have never had the pleasure to experience that amazing phenomena, but I have been assured that it is wonderful. So if you are like me, single and tired of looking, I would say that you have given up on the club and bar scenes, and said no to blind dates that family and friends have been setting up for you. Like me, you have horror stories about online dating. I signed up on “Plenty of Fish” last night (just to get some fresh material for this article…yep I like to do my research), and God!, were there some creepy messages. One guy asked me if I would let him be my “oil-boy”; I really do not know what that means. Is that some sexual innuendo? One message was just straight up scary. The guy said that I was gorgeous, and he would take out his eyes and present them to me. What?! Maybe he is not a native English speaker, and something got lost in translation. So, like me, I bet that you have decided that enough is enough, and you determined that you are going to meet like-minded people in your regular daily setting such as the gym. That might sound like a good idea in theory. Let us give this a deeper thought and see where it might take us. I have been analyzing this concept for a while now, and this is what I have come up with. I’m sure the gym can be a good pickup spot, actually let me correct myself, a great one. I’m also sure that it has been since the first time a unisex gym has opened its doors. It is the laws of nature; a closed quarters with beautiful bodies and endless supply of testosterone, it is actually a wonder that an orgy has not taken place there yet. This natural phenomenon (the attempt to mate, not the orgy) is only more obvious during the months of July, August, and September, when everyone looks their best and their hard work on the treadmill has paid off, but do not get discouraged because the winter is upon. The colder the weather, the greater the need for coupling. Like every female, maybe more so being self-obsessed, I relish male attention. However, since the gym is my office, playground, and church, I tend to negatively response to this kind of attention because I have no interest in meeting potential mates there. When I’m hitting the weights hard, be damned he who dares interrupt me. I am also discouraged because of certain kinds of relentless people whom I’ve dubbed the “Gym Talent”, who will do nothing short of actually working out to get my attention, and they are as follows:
- The handsome guy AKA “Da Playa” – You know that boy is a biohazard, and you should not get near him without a Hazmat suit. You usually overhear him brag about his romantic conquests to his friends between sets.
- The not so attractive, ok the ugly well-muscled guy on steroids aka the walking pharmaceutical that sees in the mirror something most of us do not see and thinks he is God’s gift to women – He is insecure and had been bullied most of his life hence his new found love for iron.
- The creepy old man (shudders) who REALLY believes he has the right to date young women.
- The Average Joe who just joined the gym and would like to have a hot girlfriend/free personal trainer.
- The friendly old ex-athlete who seems very nice, however likes to give you his full attention, expertise and maybe something else if you let him.
Let’s not make this a “one gender thing”, women are as guilty as men. Boys, I’m sure you have had your share of crazy female stories in the gym. I’m not talking about the girl in the extra tight short shorts because that one would be me, and you damn well know that I would rip you a new one if as much as you imagined that I was after you. I was referring to the gym groupie whose mission is to get as many phone numbers as possible; and when her trainer talks to her about her BF, she thinks she means boyfriend. She is usually a girl of the tender age of 19-25. She comes clad in makeup and wears 3 bras for maximum cleavage exposure. She is usually found by the stretching area doing some half-assed yoga moves while batting her fake lashes at passers-by. She never touches the weights because God forbids she might gain bulky muscle and turn into a man. In addition, there is the gym posse. A group of desperate single females who had no luck at the bar the previous weekend, the weekend before, and the weekend before that. My favorite of them all is the cougar/divorcee whose newfound freedom has led to lifestyle changes resulting in weight loss, sexy new physique, balanced hormones and crazy sex drive. This woman is my hero, but I get a little bit disturbed and sad thinking about her so I am not going to discuss her any further, but I am certain of one thing. She is the ex-wife of the creepy old man. Anyway, let’s get back to the topic at hand. So what should you NOT do to guarantee a great gym hookup? Well, here are your gym don’ts:
- Do not carry yourself like one of the culpable idiots mentioned above. Avoid everything they do.
- Do not talk to the culpable idiots mentioned above.
- Do not follow your target around. Once you spot her/him, make sure you don’t make too much eye contact. Smile and carry on till a perfect opportunity for a chat presents itself.
- Do not listen to your mp3. When you are listening to music, you end up in your own world, and you will not notice what’s around you, aka, a hot catch.
- Do not get too personal too fast. You will come off as thirsty and creepy and just end up making your target uncomfortable.
- Do not change your gym schedule. If you see someone you like at 4pm on a Monday, chances are she/he will be there at 4pm every Monday.
I’m sure there are cool people like you and I in the gym, and they would like to meet you; just avoid those creatures who lurk between the weights and cardiovascular machines; and do not commit any of these don’ts, and you shall find love in the iron jungle.
